1. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!
2. How much money does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
3. Who was Socrates’ worst student? Mediocrities. Who was his busiest student?
The one with a lot on his Plato.
4. Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle.
Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.
5. How did the picture end up in jail?
It was framed!
6. I’m a big fan of whiteboards.
I find them quite re-markable.
7. Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
It had too many sleepless knights.
8. You really shouldn’t be intimidated by advanced math.
it’s easy as pi!
9. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
10. My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is starting to improve!
11. I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games.
She said, “Wii.”
12. What did the hamburger name it’s baby?
Patty!
13. Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.
It was such a nice jester!
14. Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants!
15. The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation.
It doesn’t make any cents!
16. I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized.
it would be a waist of time.
17. One lung said to another.
we be-lung together!
18. Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?
He’d stop at nothing to avoid them.
19. I used to go fishing with Skrillex.
But he kept dropping the bass!
20. Why was the cookie sad?
Because his mom was a wafer long!
21. What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabee!
22. My girlfriend thought I’d never be able to make a car out of spaghetti You should’ve seen her face when
I drove pasta!
23. Sure, I drink brake fluid.
But I can stop anytime!
24. Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened?
It comes highly wreck-a-mended.
25. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.
26. Shout out to the people
who ask what the opposite of “in” is.
27. Why can’t you run through a campground?
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
28. I’m only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know Y.
29. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make?
A dino-snore.
30. Coffee has a rough time in our house.
It gets mugged every single morning!
31. What did syrup to the waffle?
I love you a waffle lot!
32. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet?
He was feline fine!
33. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore.
Or else they’ll ground me!
34. “Boulder,” he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted.
“THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!”
35. I was walking through a quarry…I said to the foreman.
“That sure is a big rock!”
36. Somebody stole all my lamps….and I couldn’t be more.
de-lighted!
37. What do you do with chemists when they die?
Barium!
38. Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie!
39. The quickest way to make antifreeze?
Just steal her blanket!
40. My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me.
I think she’s just being clothes-minded!
41. Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend?
They’re both cauld ron.
42. Want to hear something terrible? Paper. See?
I told you it was tear-able.
43. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”
The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
44. Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
But it was just a Fanta sea.
45. A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.
Sadly, he lost his case.
46. An atom loses an electron… it says,Man.
I really gotta keep an ion them.”
47. The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar
It was tense.
48. Atoms are untrustworthy little critters.
They make up everything!
49. Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.