1. Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell?
He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
2. What to rabbits eat for breakfast?
3. It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed. Nobody wants a loyal snake.
-Roy Blount, humorist
4. What happens to a toad’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
5. What do you call a penguin in the desert?
6. What do cats have for breakfast?
7. What did the SNAIL say while riding on the turtles back?
8. What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies?
“Should we walk home or take a dog?!”
9. What is the best way to cook a gator?
In a crock-pot
10. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
11. What did the snail say as he rode along on the turtle’s back?
12. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
13. What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
14. What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
15. On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?”
Another responded, “Wait till they’re asleep.”
16. Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away.
17. Why did the pig have ink all over its face?
Because it came out of the pen.
18. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
19. Why do cows never have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry!
20. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
21. A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster.
The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!
22. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breathe through something so small?”
23. What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
24. How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
25. What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
26. What do you call an alligator who solves mysteries?
27. What do you get when you cross a snake with a tasty dessert?
28. Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.
29. What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam
30. What steps do you take if you a tiger is running towards you?
31. What happened when the frog’s car broke down on the side of the road?
It gets toad away.
32. A pony went to see the doctor, because it couldn’t speak. “I know what’s wrong,” said the doctor.
“You’re a little horse!”
33. What’s the smartest animal?
A fish because they stay in schools!
34. What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
35. Why did the whale cross the street?
To get to the other tide.
36. What kind of ties do pigs wear?
37. My email password has been hacked.
That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
38. What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
His bark was much worse than his bite!
39. How much money does a skunk have?
40. What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish!
41. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
42. What was the first animal in space?
The cow that jumped over the moon.
43. What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?
44. What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear!
45. What type of market should you NEVER take your dog?
A flea market!
46. What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?
A box of quackers!
47. Which dog breed is guaranteed to laugh at all of your jokes?
48. What’s a frog’s favorite soda?
49. What kind of math do owls like?
50. Why do cows like being told jokes?
Because they like being a-moosed!
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